Lost my name!

I could not remember my member name for the life of me and just didn't get around to digging around for it. Anyway, I am back. Well, I am having either the worst pms or I am pregnant. Nausea, tender, fuller breasts, tired, weepy, etc. Yeah, that would suck to be pregnant so soon. I don't know if I really want another one. I think four is enough but I want another. Weird.....I would but kids are expensive. Plus, I don't know if my body can take carrying another one around. This last one reeked havoc on my hips. Oh, well right? Might be too late. If so, I will have myself 'fixed.' Also, I will keep it a secret minus dh's work and my large family group. Work has to know and the ladies are my board would be supportive and helpful. I can just hear my family. "You are having another one?" Not going to go there. Well, off to do some work around this hole of a house!

my realization of Elizabeth

I sat in bed trying to get Emma to sleep. I sat and wondered if yelling or spanking her would ruin her in the future. Then I got to thinking about Elizabeth. My oldest....has been through it all with me.......
Then I got to thinking about how often I actually held her, especially after I had Emily. I thought about how much I hurt after giving birth that second time. Such pain....for so long. Why in the hell did I not go in to the doctor? No car? I thought I couldn't take anything while breastfeeding? After that I brushed off the fact that everyone said I pushed her away. 'I pushed her away........' I think about every messed up thing I have done to her, not directly but indirectly. She has been diagnosed with ADHD. Does she or does she not? Could she have been normal all along and I screwed her up?
Tears came to my eyes with the realization that I never loved my daughter physically. I can honestly say that I have told her that I loved her everyday. I have actually prided myself saying that I have told my children, "I love you" everyday of their lives but did I show them?
I 'joke' about Elizabeth is that she says,"I love you Mommy" or,"I love you Daddy" or I love you to whoever it is when she did something wrong or said something off, as an excuse. Did I say I love you each time as an excuse, to cover something?
I continued to ponder all of what I have screwed up with her. I have done irreversable damage to her. If I could go back and do it all over, would she be normal? Would she have passed the first grade the first time? What have I done to her?
Now, the question is how do I bring her back to the person she will grow to be? How do I try to mend the damage I have done?
I blame it all on depression......When I was on antidepression meds, I was able to think clearer. You know, with the Paxil, I saw what good I wanted to see. I didn't see that I was as overweight as I was. I didn't see the mental issues I was giving my children. I didn't see how my husband was mentally abusing us all. It wasn't really big but it was all the small that added to the big mountain of mess we are in.
As I came off of the Paxil, my weight hit me like a ton of bricks. I came completely off at the end of July I believe. The big one was my fat. Where did it all come from!@? I knew I was heavy but for petes sake! I am not morbidly obese but I am obese. Shyite. I am morbidly I guess. I am about 100 lbs over.
I am now seeing where I want myself and my family to be. I want Elizabeth to know that she is honestly, deep down loved. No picking on her, joking with her.....etc. I need to just sit and HOLD HER>>>>>>>>>
I LOVE YOU ELIZABETH

Much better!

I am so much better today! What a weekend though. We were back and forth between Columbia. My sil though got on my nerves with her "My son does no wrong" crap. Yes, I know my children are not perfect. They are the biggest pains! My son is a cry baby right now. He wouldn't cry half as bad if Andrew didn't beat on him. My son should not have to defend himself physically from his cousin. Oh, well. I love them both so it will work itself out. Plus, I think it stemed from her stressful week.
I have gone up in weight. I snacked all weekend. My sil buys a lot of junk food. I just have to resist the urge to eat it and find an alternative. Maybe that is why I am better. I got my sugar and salt fix! Nah, maybe it is from the lack of sleep because of my daughter. In any case, I feel much better. Shoot, I need to make lunch!

Weight 260 lbs

I am still sick

Can't talk long. I have to go to bed. I am sick of my computer acting up on me. I need to take it in and have it tuned. Lord have mercy...It doesn't help me that I am in love with the one and only, AJ Pierzynski. Ha! Most normal people would be like, who? Oh, well. It is my perogotive. Come get us hurricane. I dare you. Blah, Blah, Blah............I am so Blahhed out right now. Down and out. Yesterday was horrible. Make me a new mom and give me a housekeeper for like a week. Shhheeeeeeiiit. Give me one for a day! I would get every ting back togeder. Put me on the organization shows or something. I am so tired and lost. Maybe.........just maybe.....IF I got some sleep.........like normal people............I wouldn't be so F'ing tired!

I am so stuck

I am so down and out of it. I have been sick for like three days now. At least I have my voice back. Dude, I couldn't even talk to myself which I do often. The worst was not being able to sing. I do it all the time and couldn't make a sound. Hell, I couldn't even yell at my kids! LOL
I am very down with this weightloss thing. I thought it would be easier than this. The suppliment I am taking is not helping. I need a boost. I am hungry all the time, my hair is still fallling out. I need to go in for a physical. I mean, HELLO! I lose like a fistful of hair everytime I shower.
I am going to clean up my computer area. Must get off the computer. Right.....Nah, for real. I will get off as soon as I am finished typing. I could type forever and stall somemore.........

The great battle!

I have been in a battle for most of my life. The battle of the bulge as one might say. Weight has been an issue since elementary school. One of my friends had these two princess dresses and I needed one for a play. She was petite and I was normal size. Well, to a little girl, I was fat. From then on, I had issues. Not until recently did I realize this. I mean even in high school I wasn't that bad. I was about ten or twenty pounds over but that really isn't that bad. When I think back, I thought I was extremely obese. Geez, what I wouldn't do to be that size again.
I am done with my current situation. I am at my highest, even pregnant. Hopefully, this program I am working with will get me to the point where I can get it going and get my life back to normal. No back pain, knee pain, PAIN or being tired all the time. My biggest is I miss having the ability to play. Play sports confidently, rollerblading without fearing injury due to my being out of shape. I will conquer this!

• weight 258 pounds