I sat in bed trying to get Emma to sleep. I sat and wondered if yelling or spanking her would ruin her in the future. Then I got to thinking about Elizabeth. My oldest....has been through it all with me.......
Then I got to thinking about how often I actually held her, especially after I had Emily. I thought about how much I hurt after giving birth that second time. Such pain....for so long. Why in the hell did I not go in to the doctor? No car? I thought I couldn't take anything while breastfeeding? After that I brushed off the fact that everyone said I pushed her away. 'I pushed her away........' I think about every messed up thing I have done to her, not directly but indirectly. She has been diagnosed with ADHD. Does she or does she not? Could she have been normal all along and I screwed her up?
Tears came to my eyes with the realization that I never loved my daughter physically. I can honestly say that I have told her that I loved her everyday. I have actually prided myself saying that I have told my children, "I love you" everyday of their lives but did I show them?
I 'joke' about Elizabeth is that she says,"I love you Mommy" or,"I love you Daddy" or I love you to whoever it is when she did something wrong or said something off, as an excuse. Did I say I love you each time as an excuse, to cover something?
I continued to ponder all of what I have screwed up with her. I have done irreversable damage to her. If I could go back and do it all over, would she be normal? Would she have passed the first grade the first time? What have I done to her?
Now, the question is how do I bring her back to the person she will grow to be? How do I try to mend the damage I have done?
I blame it all on depression......When I was on antidepression meds, I was able to think clearer. You know, with the Paxil, I saw what good I wanted to see. I didn't see that I was as overweight as I was. I didn't see the mental issues I was giving my children. I didn't see how my husband was mentally abusing us all. It wasn't really big but it was all the small that added to the big mountain of mess we are in.
As I came off of the Paxil, my weight hit me like a ton of bricks. I came completely off at the end of July I believe. The big one was my fat. Where did it all come from!@? I knew I was heavy but for petes sake! I am not morbidly obese but I am obese. Shyite. I am morbidly I guess. I am about 100 lbs over.
I am now seeing where I want myself and my family to be. I want Elizabeth to know that she is honestly, deep down loved. No picking on her, joking with her.....etc. I need to just sit and HOLD HER>>>>>>>>>
I LOVE YOU ELIZABETH
